The Apple

by Justin Sane
7th February 2006

Directed by Menahem Golan
Featuring: Catherine Mary Stuart, George Gilmour and Vladek Sheybal as Mr. Boogalow
Runtime: 90 minutes
Released: 1980
WARNING: This review contains some potentially naughty language.

There are some genres of film that are amazingly simple to get wrong. With a slight slip-up one can make a terrible drama, for example, which causes laughter rather than tears. But there is no genre more susceptible to turning out horrendously than the musical. Unless all of the elements are right - music, lyrics, costumes, singing, acting, direction, choreography - it can easily turn into something the general public rejects in disgust, and may take years until its rightful audience of Cinematic Masochists (CineMasochists?) discover it.

That time has come, my CineMasochists, and that musical is THE APPLE.

In my quest to watch Rock Musicals (originally sparked from a viewing of Brian DePalma's excellent campfest The Phantom of the Paradise), I one day picked up the video box for a "futuristic" musical taking place in the far-off year of 1994. I had seen this box in the Cult section of various video stores on and off for the last ten years, always assuming it to be some sort of New York-related film and, never having turned the box over, discovered the pleasure and pain that was to come. With a little research, I found out that when it premiered viewers threw their free souvenir soundtracks at the screen - and any film causing that kind of hatred was the kind of film I wanted to see.

Anyway, the basic story is this: Two clean-cut singers (think The Carpenters) from a town called Moose Jaw (I remember that well, because they said the name of the town in nearly every other line for the first twenty minutes of the movie) are roped into signing a contract by record company BIM, run by the nefarious (get this) Mr. Boogalow. Mr. Boogalow reminds me of Miami Vice-style Eurotrash who has had his DNA spliced with Plan 9's Bunny Breckinridge after a massive glitter factory explosion. Mr. B seduces Bibi into a world of vices, and dumps her former partner Alphie like last year's fashion accessory (which probably wasn't sparkly enough for him).

Actually, glitter-makers must have found their stock rising briskly in 1980, thanks to The Apple. The outfits and vehicles of the futuristic year 1994, apparently, will be designed by the same folks who brought you Brazil, The Road Warrior, Flash Gordon and The Rocky Horror Picture Show. We will be sporting BIM-Marks (glittery birthmarks that show how hip we are) , plastic, rubber and all manner of sparkly underthings, which we will wear as outerthings. Everything will be reflective, glisten, shine and in general be hard on the eyes. The future is looking so bright we may go blind.

In the middle of a parody of the music industry is another, deeper(?) level - and for that level the writers have gone for that old chestnut, the always-successful Bible. When singing ingenue Bibi (The Last Starfighter's clone-humping girlfriend Catherine Mary Stewart) takes a bite of the titular apple (as the headache-inducing song states - "VOODOO APPLE! HOODOO APPLE! JUJU APPLE!" - yes, we get it - the apple is naughty), she becomes the corrupted Eve of the music world. There's more religious imagery near the end including a hippie Jesus and his pot-smokin' followers. Far out, man. Wait, did I say hippies? That's right, friends - hippies are apparently the saviors of humanity. And unless you're one of them, you're screwed when The Rapture comes and "Mr. Topps" comes down from the heavens driving his enchanted Caddy.

It should also be noted that this film was shot for Widescreen, and the video company that released it trimmed it to "Standard" aspect ratio, making absolutely no attempt to pan and/or scan. This results in people (who in the Widescreen version stood on opposite ends of the screen) being cut off so that we hear them talking, but spend a full minute staring at a lamp sitting center-screen. Wowee. And furthermore, sometimes characters are introduced in the cut-off portions of the screen, causing confusion as to who is who and what the hell is happening. I'm fairly certain this company, Paragon Video tanked due to their obvious lack of quality control. Hey, Paragon - I'm giving your film transfers a big middle finger, but you probably won't be offended because you can only see my middle knuckle and won't go the extra mile to pan or scan. The Apple's badness rises to a level that makes me respect it. If they'd only put out a Widescreen DVD I'd buy it. Especially if it featured a director's commentary. And in this case, the director (producer Menahem Golan, who would later take over Cannon Group, Inc. and churn out some of the 80's greatest B-movies) was also one of the writers - and I'd like to know what goes on in the head of that man.

The movie, all in all, seems like nothing more than a feeble attempt to re-create the success of The Rocky Horror Picture Show by adding outrageous characters in crazy costumes obsessed by sex and drugs (in fact, two of the musical numbers are named "Speed" and, ahem, "I'm Coming For You") - but The Apple is most likely going to be the second-cousin-you-only-see-at-family-functions to future generations of Cult Film fans. And, as such, it should be treated the way any true CineMasochist should treat the black sheep - with a secret love that you dare not speak of in public, except with those who understand.

And I know you understand, or else you wouldn't have read this far.

Shhhhhhh.

This review references the VHS version. Since this review was written, in 2003, The Apple has made a comeback with screenings around the world, as well as a DVD release in 2004, which features both Standard and Widescreen versions (still no Director's Commentary, though).

Justin Sane is an employee of Le Video and just can't stop watching bad movies. You can find him lurking about the Cult section, and/or adjusting his favorite section, Kid Film Oddities.