This evening's entertainment was a children's film from 1966 by the name of JIMMY, THE BOY WONDER.
It was made by Herschell Gordon Lewis, the notorious schlock director of such films as Blood Feast, Two Thousand Maniacs and the curiously titled Boin-n-g!
First of all, let me begin by describing a portion of the video box for you - it proudly proclaims "The surprise HIT of the year!", but I doubt it was ever a hit, and if it were, it certainly would be a surprise.
The story revolves around little Jimmy Jaye, who, as the opening narration confusingly explains, stops time by wishing it would (because, at a certain time of day, when the sunbeams open at a certain angle (or something), wishes come true). His mother continually nags him about getting up in the morning (getting dressed, taking a shower, brushing his teeth, putting his shoes on, wiping his ass - I mean, this woman will not let up - the kid barely has time to get out of bed before his mother bugs him about, like, ten or twelve things he should have done/should be doing/should probably be doing), and this makes little Jimmy very irate.
Jimmy reminds me of the kids in school that would jam their fingers deep into their noses and pull forth a long strand of snot that they would then proceed to eat like sweet candy. I believe this stems from his mucus-clogged voice and continuous squinting, which emphasizes his pug-nose… so everything about this kid screams "SNOT!"
With the magic bitch of "I wish time would just stop", he forces some kind of cosmic clock to lose its pendulum (which is sometimes referred to as a "globe", but we'll get into that later), preventing everyone in his suburb from doing typical suburb-type-things like mowing the lawn, washing their car, and sitting on their bike whilst pointing screen right as they freeze in place. True to most low-budget effects, to achieve this, everyone stands really, really still - but that doesn't stop the wind from blowing bushes and trees next to them, nor unaffiliated, random people from continuing to move in the background since no one connected with the film bothered to tell them that time was supposed to have stopped.
"What did he say?!" a pervert in a plaid jacket and bright red pants says, ogling little Jimmy's every move. But this is no ordinary pervert - this is our villain, Mr. Fig! Yes, this salivating, greasy-haired pencilneck with frighteningly triangular eyebrows watches Jimmy from some kind of pocket dimension - and now that time's stopped, he's gonna waste it!
You heard me!
That's the villain's plan - to waste time. And unless Jimmy, with the help of a woman named Aurora, can replace the pendulum in the almighty clock of time-starting, this dastardly Mr. Fig's gonna waste it - or something. He also like to jump in the air and disappear with that old sound effect standby "BOIIIIIIING!!!" (hey, just like the movie!), which makes him all the creepier.
Aurora, the song-prone heroine, is the daughter of the elderly, grizzle-bearded Astronomer, who is kind of dressed like those schmucks at Halloween who grab the last costume on the rack at K-Mart, lest they be denied entry into all of the parties no one wants them at anyway. I'm also convinced that at one point they completely switch actors for this role - finally understanding the limited acting abilities of the senior citizen they initially got to play him, they swapped him out for a thirty-ish thespian who recites some lines in a shot that basically gives you the perfect angle to look straight up his nose.
Aurora contacts Jimmy and they go on a quest to return the globe (or pendulum) to The World's End, where the clock resides. First they venture into the spooky Slow Motion Land (I'll let you guess how these special effect masters pulled that one off), since that dastardly Mr. Fig replaced a sign that would lead them to some Indians (they weren't PC back then) who would lead them to The World's End.
That bastard.
Somewhere along the way there's room for a couple of songs - one a duet by Jimmy and Aurora, and then a little number by our pedo-pal Mr. Fig entitled, I believe, "I'm Mr. Fig".
Jimmy and Aurora press on and find the Indians (actually a bunch of white guys in green paint who studied at the Clipped-English Movie Native Academy). The Chief is going to use Jimmy as a scapegoat since his rain dances have turned up nil, but Aurora changes their minds by singing a song about beans (!), which begin to sprinkle from the sky. Actually, they're jellybeans, and the Chief likeum heap jellybeans (and how), so he lets them go on about their merry way.
Somewhere in the middle of the film Aurora decides to tell Jimmy a story - this gives the filmmakers the opportunity to save some cash by running a completely irrelevant cartoon about "another little boy" who saved the magical pendulum (which is an ordinary desktop globe in the cartoon). It appears to be some kind of foreign animation featuring the aforementioned boy, an evil witch with a yam-like nose (who looks like she could take out that weenie Mr. Fig in a second) and Puss 'N Boots fighting a demon-fox-thing. Oh, and a retarded horse is thrown in for good measure.
The best thing about the cartoon is that it's horrendously dubbed by what I believe are some of the film's actors - they make absolutely no attempt to match the words to the mouths of any particular character. The little boy's voice talks while Puss 'N Boots's mouth moves. The Witch screams while the Retarded Horse nods his head. TheDemon-Fox-Thing speaks while I check my watch.
After about twenty minutes (yes, a complete third of the film's running time) the cartoon comes to an end and we resume the actual story.
Jimmy and Aurora see a camper and decide to hop in and motor their way to The World's End - unfortunately Mr. Fig appears and changes it into a Volkswagen Bug! HORRORS!
"Mr. Fig's going to keep putting us into smaller and smaller cars until we get squeezed!" Aurora panics. And then she and Jimmy sit and talk for a while. Now, I don't have much experience with magic, but I sure wouldn't take my sweet time getting out while Mr. Fig regenerates his evil powers.
After turning their Bug into a bike, then the bike into nothing (gasp!), Mr. Fig faces off with our heroes on the cusp on The World's End. This reprehensible blackguard tries to trick them yet again by offering them a plate of hot dogs, peanuts and popcorn. DAMN YOU, MR. FIG!
Resisting his evil, Aurora and Jimmy beat their feet. After another adventure involving "Laughing Syrup" which I'm too tired to write about, they reach their goal!
While relaxing in the garden of The World's End, Aurora tells Jimmy that he's on his own from now on, so he must replace the pendulum and face Fig all by himself. Then she disappears and abandons poor Jimmy to god-knows-what kind of horrors that pervert has in store for him.
Fig, of course, reappears and chases Jimmy about the courtyard in a disturbing shaky-cam scene that makes it look, momentarily, like the home-movies of a molester running down his victims. Hooray for children's entertainment!
At the last possible second Jimmy is able to lunge at the clock and replace the pendulum, thus re-starting time and allowing his neighbors to get on with their hopeless, worthless lives mowing lawns and pointing.
Jimmy appears back in his own room, and he barely has time to breathe before his mother starts yelling at him again. Home sweet home. She tells him he'd better get to school and the little booger-eater obeys, else he gets the strap!
As Jimmy walks into his classroom he notices the large "globe" on the desk, and then notices his teacher… who looks just like Aurora!
"You and that globe act like you're old friends!" she says as Jimmy caresses the pendulum.
"We sure are!" Jimmy smiles, patting the globe.
Fade out.
I throw up.
The end.
